With self isolation being in vogue right now I decided to give it a go and see what all the fuss was about.
I shut myself in the cupboard under the sink with a stash of toilet paper (who needs kleenex?) and some shit beer.
It’s one of the best spots in the house for a lock down, the U bend trap has all sorts of interesting aromatic matter inside that can be digested.
Isolation
I’ve also discovered that Corona gives you bad breath. Have a look at the shitty brown fungus that grows from the dags left in the bottle after it it consumed.
Shit Weasel Science
I decided to digest some of the shitty brown muck and instantly felt much better.
After doing some further tests it turns out that I am a genius who is up there with the likes of Alexander Fleming, (Actually his name was Phlegming but got changed for political correctness 🙄)
The brown mould that grows in Corona bottles is a cure for the Virus.
Watch out for my brown pills that will soon be available for sale in honesty pots around the toilets in the Tararua Ranges.
Xmas is just another day, and the best days involve getting smelly and covered in muck.
Max, Bang and myself set off to visit North Ohau Hut for the night. Being cultured I know how to say Ohau. It sounds like “Or Hoe” so just remember “Bro or Hoe” and you’ll be give others the impression that you are refined and educated!
Norh Ohau Hut
It’s a 3 to 4 hour walk in from Poads Road walking up the river. The hut currently has a resident rat in the roof. According to the hut book a dead rat was also found in the water tank back in September. Drinking from the river is probably the better option right now (Unless you see a Shit Weasel Swimming in it!)
Here’s Johnny
There are many things I don’t believe about Xmas. The Idea that a fat man can crawl down a chimney seems even more far fetched than the dribble scribbled in the bible. Of course Pagan Shit Weasels can crawl through tight tunnels 😜
Bath Time
Speaking of being refined Max insisted that I take a bath so I jumped in the river. I’d suggest that DOC should put a warning up saying not to drink from it for a couple of days!
I also went for a swim which is much quicker than walking:
Who the fuck would build a hut in an Avalanche path, let alone stay in one?
Welcome to John Tait hut. This is the spot where Marty, Laressa, and Max would have to spend the first night of our 5-day trip after flying in from Wellington, getting a hire car, then catching a boat across lake Rotoiti.
Stupid humans, Shit Weasels are much smarter, I slept in the toilets which are outside the danger zone.
The toilets are also far enough from the hut that you can’t hear Marty snoring. This is a massive bonus as he sounds like a demented walrus!
Toilet in the safe zone
Snow Shovels are for skids
You’ll probably see a shovel on the back of someone’s pack and think that they are responsible. Ask any mountain climber and they’ll tell you the shovel is for digging your comrades out after an avalanche or making a snow cave.
The truth is that they are actually to do Skids when the snow is soft! We all had a good play in the snow above Cupola Hut.
Rescued again
Logged out of here by Laressa
Most people think that Laressa is responsible. She has a reputation for looking after people. However, you may want to reconsider this notion. She signed all of us out of Cupola hut without noticing that I was missing. It was only when Max joked about putting me in the river for a wash that they noticed I was missing!
Max had to run back up to the hill to find me, it got quite emotional…
Lost and cold!
The Famous shit weasel
As we arrived back at John Tait Hut a very cool man named Wok asked “Where is the Shit Weasel?”
He already knew of my travels from the Hut books in the Tararua ranges. He showed us a UFO video and welcomed us to visit him in his Tattoo parlor in Nelson.
On to travers hut
Twats
After a traumatic day we arrived at Travers hut before darkness set in. I slept by the fire with Max to avoid Marty. Whilst I prefer toilets, frozen ones are not fun.
The next day we set off over the pass to find waist deep power snow…
Max and me smashed a path through the snow for the others to get suck in!
Mount Travers
Love the Snow
More Skid Marks
Marty takes a shit at West Sabine Hut
Marty takes a shit!
West Sabine Hut to Speargrass Hut
It was a long day and Marty’s was really starting to stink so I had to jump him, Laressa was getting a tad whiffy too but I was not getting any affection from her.
MOre love for the shit weasel
I got heaps of attention at Speargrass hut. Max was worried that I was going to be kid-napped!
Footnote: Shit Weasels are only interested in epic fit trips which are entertaining. You’ll not find any Leisurely Humdrum strolls on this site. If you are offended remember. I don’t give a shit, but can dish plenty out.
Max, Spiderman and Myself set off to the Pines from Wellington at 6am.
Both were really slow and struggled to keep up with me. Ha, to think that these two clowns have a reputation for being quick! Both egos were shattered in under 10 minutes.
Max was already sweating and I could smell his BO from 100 meters away. God I love the smell of putrid trampers. This always causes excitement and I could not help but to get my teeth stuck into the nearest trail marker.
Spiderman and Max were not impressed by this. Max muttered something about teething issues and shoved me into his back pack. He’s such a cruel son of a bitch!
We soon arrived at Mitre Flats hut where we were informed that a group of trampers had set off before us. The lazy bastards had a big head start as they came in the previous night to make it a shorter day.
Regardless, It was decided that we would smash it up the hill and overtake them. This way we could claim the best spots in Tarn Ridge Hut before they arrived.
The Smell of Fear!
It was not long before we stumbled upon some very sheepish looking trampers coming down the hill. I did not need my telepathic skills to know that some of them were scared. And not scared of me I might add. I was still tied up in Max’s backpack so was out of sight.
No I could smell fear, a couple of them had obviously soiled their undergarments. The whiff was strong.
They pretended to be brave and spoke about how it was impossible to stand up in the wind. Max just smirked and kept walking up the hill. He then joked about how WTMC should rename themselves to Wellingtons Timid Mountaineering Club as every trip he meets them in the hills they turn back!
Twas a breeze
Spiderman getting blown away
Spiderman and Max stopped to chat about the wind:
Spiderman 💬
I think there is an 80% chance we’ll have to turn back!
Max 💬
Let’s take the 20% option. You don’t want everyone to know that you’re a big girls blouse do you?
Max was scared of being a failure so was hell bent on pushing on. He has such a big head so turning back was not an option. Especially after all the derogatory comments about the group that used the impossible word! Although deep down he’s a sweetheart with a fragile little ego.
There was wind, and there was snow. The idiots continued to the hut…
Spiderman nearly got blown away, but Max was fine as he’s a fat bastard.
Tarn Ridge Hut
The hut was full…
But not of people. We were the only ones there. It was full of good things.
There was enough food to feed a small army along with heaps of firewood and coal. This had been left by a recent Land Search & Rescue team. We soon had the fire going and Max let me out of his pack for 5 minutes.
Shit Weasels Love Fire
Sadly Spiderman reminded Max about the signpost. I got kicked out of the hut to spend the night in the toilet (Max once spent a night in a toilet too).
I normally love toilets but this one was cold. All the Shit was frozen and there were no rich scents to enjoy. How I hate the cold!
I wanted back in the Hut
Chomp Chomp
I nearly managed to chomp a hole in the door but I was beaten by the sun.
A Majestic Day
Spiderman & Max were very excited about the lack of wind and clag. They joked about how pathetic they would have felt if they’d woken up in a frosty hut down in the valley without a view! It was board-line gloating, but justified. It had been a fine effort the previous day.
Tararua range
Spiderman suggested that if we made it back to Mitre Flats Hut for lunch then we may bump into the timid trampers who had quit the previous day. Not that he wanted to rub it in or anything!
that way to the hut
We met the Timid trampers at Mitre Flats. Max was annoyingly bouncy talking about all the free food in the hut. None of the miserable trampers wanted to hear about how amazing the views were up on the tops so they quickly departed.
Spidermand and Max
After lunch we all set off again. We overtook the other trampers but the last one tried to keep up with us.
Spiderman commented how ridiculously tight his shorts were. It was almost indecent in a 1970s kind of way. The look was awkward like a teenager who had out grown his clothes and couldn’t afford a new pair!
There was no effort to strike up a conversation so we upped the pace a little so he soon got left behind !
2 hours and 5 miunutes after leaving the hut we were back at the car. Not a bad tramp but it could have been better. Like Max, I never want to spend a night in a frozen toilet again!
The Adventures Of The Shit Weasel 