Tarn Ridge Hut

Max, Spiderman and Myself set off to the Pines from Wellington at 6am.

Both were really slow and struggled to keep up with me. Ha, to think that these two clowns have a reputation for being quick! Both egos were shattered in under 10 minutes.

Max was already sweating and I could smell his BO from 100 meters away. God I love the smell of putrid trampers. This always causes excitement and I could not help but to get my teeth stuck into the nearest trail marker.

Spiderman and Max were not impressed by this. Max muttered something about teething issues and shoved me into his back pack. He’s such a cruel son of a bitch!

We soon arrived at Mitre Flats hut where we were informed that a group of trampers had set off before us. The lazy bastards had a big head start as they came in the previous night to make it a shorter day.

Regardless, It was decided that we would smash it up the hill and overtake them. This way we could claim the best spots in Tarn Ridge Hut before they arrived.

The Smell of Fear!

It was not long before we stumbled upon some very sheepish looking trampers coming down the hill. I did not need my telepathic skills to know that some of them were scared. And not scared of me I might add. I was still tied up in Max’s backpack so was out of sight.

No I could smell fear, a couple of them had obviously soiled their undergarments. The whiff was strong.

They pretended to be brave and spoke about how it was impossible to stand up in the wind. Max just smirked and kept walking up the hill. He then joked about how WTMC should rename themselves to Wellingtons Timid Mountaineering Club as every trip he meets them in the hills they turn back!

Twas a breeze

Spiderman and Max stopped to chat about the wind:

Spiderman 💬

I think there is an 80% chance we’ll have to turn back!

Max 💬

Let’s take the 20% option. You don’t want everyone to know that you’re a big girls blouse do you?

Max was scared of being a failure so was hell bent on pushing on. He has such a big head so turning back was not an option. Especially after all the derogatory comments about the group that used the impossible word! Although deep down he’s a sweetheart with a fragile little ego.

There was wind, and there was snow. The idiots continued to the hut…

Spiderman nearly got blown away, but Max was fine as he’s a fat bastard.

The hut was full…

But not of people. We were the only ones there. It was full of good things.

There was enough food to feed a small army along with heaps of firewood and coal. This had been left by a recent Land Search & Rescue team. We soon had the fire going and Max let me out of his pack for 5 minutes.

Sadly Spiderman reminded Max about the signpost. I got kicked out of the hut to spend the night in the toilet (Max once spent a night in a toilet too).

I normally love toilets but this one was cold. All the Shit was frozen and there were no rich scents to enjoy. How I hate the cold!

I wanted back in the Hut

I nearly managed to chomp a hole in the door but I was beaten by the sun.

A Majestic Day

Spiderman & Max were very excited about the lack of wind and clag. They joked about how pathetic they would have felt if they’d woken up in a frosty hut down in the valley without a view! It was board-line gloating, but justified. It had been a fine effort the previous day.

Spiderman suggested that if we made it back to Mitre Flats Hut for lunch then we may bump into the timid trampers who had quit the previous day. Not that he wanted to rub it in or anything!

We met the Timid trampers at Mitre Flats. Max was annoyingly bouncy talking about all the free food in the hut. None of the miserable trampers wanted to hear about how amazing the views were up on the tops so they quickly departed.

After lunch we all set off again. We overtook the other trampers but the last one tried to keep up with us.

Spiderman commented how ridiculously tight his shorts were. It was almost indecent in a 1970s kind of way. The look was awkward like a teenager who had out grown his clothes and couldn’t afford a new pair!

There was no effort to strike up a conversation so we upped the pace a little so he soon got left behind !

2 hours and 5 miunutes after leaving the hut we were back at the car. Not a bad tramp but it could have been better. Like Max, I never want to spend a night in a frozen toilet again!